You're my little dorito
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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