Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
