I am spending my child support on dildos
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
