Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
