Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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