I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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