dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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