Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
