We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
