Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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