Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
