I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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