So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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