ugly people sure do ruin things
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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