I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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