I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
