I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
