he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
