i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Im part way to drunk.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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