You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
