There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
