so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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