if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
