Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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