You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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