Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize