Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
