when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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