In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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