He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
