so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
