you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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