based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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