John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
