I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
bring money and cleavage
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
