My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
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