omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
