he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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