I wish I could teleport
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hippo gnu deer
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
