what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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