he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
