why didn't you poke me back
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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