If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
