My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
