I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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