Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
