When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
