Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
