i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
