watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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