dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
