That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
