someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
