chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
