It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
